It Was Never About Me (or you) by Brandy Lidbeck

posted in: Uncategorized | 12

It was never about me. Never.

I used to be so angry at my mom. How could she leave me while I was still so young? How could she plan for me to find her lifeless body? How could she write me such an insignificant note goodbye? Didn’t she care about me? Didn’t she love me? Didn’t I matter enough for her to want to continue to be my mom? Didn’t she care about the wound she would create inside of me for the rest of my life? Didn’t she know what this would do to me?

It was never about me. Never.

Maybe I could have prevented it. Maybe if I were better behaved. If I had stayed home that day, maybe she would still be alive. Maybe if I told her how much I loved and needed her. Maybe if I had picked up on the signs that only hindsight 20/20 vision reveals. 

It was never about me. Never.

Suicide is never about the people left behind. It is only about the one who wants to end their pain. 

It was always about her. Always.

I spent two decades blaming and shaming myself for not doing enough, saying enough, or being enough. I took the blame and guilt and shame when it was never mine to claim.

It was always about her. Always.

She didn’t love herself. She didn’t see her value. She was in pain. She needed relief. She thought we would be better off without her.

It was always about her. Always.

The healthier I become the more I realize it was never about me. Never. It was always about her. Always.

12 Responses

  1. Dianna Matzo
    | Reply

    Amazingly bitter sweet. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am going to pass this along to several other people in my life. I wish you the very best.

  2. Roger Guttormson
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    This is the”truth” that has given me the strength to go on. I too have felt the same guilt over my son’s decision to end his life. I remind myself daily that “it was never about me” and this helps relieve the guilt of my inability to prevent his suicide.

  3. Sherrie
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing. I am still in the whys…why didn’t I know, why wasn’t I a good mother. Why did she not even leave a note…so many why’s circling in my brain 24/7.

    • Joann
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      I went through the why’s until I was completely drained of all sanity. I got mad at God, at me, the world, my husband, didn’t want to see friends, and the list went on and on. I finally started to believe the professionals that there is just no answer to the why. The person who took their life was in such deep emotional pain, we are the last thing they were thinking of. They just want to relieve the pain inside themselves. I lost my daughter 2 plus years ago, and I am finally getting it. I will still have those days that I will get angry and mad, and that is just part of the healing process. We are all different, and our healing and grieving will be unique as we are all different. I am sorry for your loss, and pray that you will find some kind of peace with it in the future.

  4. janne
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    This is something we need to read everyday! Thank you…..

  5. Rebecca Huff
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    Well written and to the point. Thanks for sharing. Need to read this over from time to time. I can get caught up with reoccurring thoughts and feelings. This will bring my focus back!

  6. Nika
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    I am so comforted by this note. Although, my life is, and always will be impacted by the suicide of my baby brother, I know now “it was not about me..” just the opposite. I kayaked on the lake 4 days prior. He seemed fine. My family did not know he was struggling with depression, while living a productive life. He loved us..he was loved by us and his dog, Emily.

    I feel him and his laughter ( and teasing) every day in some form..sometimes in soft smell of his cologne, or banging of doors..simple silly things..
    I hope he forgives me, for thinking ..I could have prevented this.
    ” It Was Not About Me”
    Blessings to all.
    Suz

  7. Linda
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    This does bring comfort because these are exactly the questions I ask myself. Why didn’t I see this coming? He told me that this was something that he could never do and I believed him! Maybe if I didn’t go back outside. Why didn’t he leave me a note so I didn’t have so many questions? Did he not love me enough to stay? Couldn’t he of waited until our first grandchild was born? He was in so much pain, what else could I have done to comfort him? WHY? WHY? WHY? Will I ever feel comfortable enough and say it wasn’t about me and never was? I need to remind myself, “It Was Not About Me!”

    • brandylidbeck
      | Reply

      The “what if’s” and why? questions will destroy us. But, in the end, yes, it was not about me!

  8. Julie Davis
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    Thank you so much Brandy. I too have suffered from extreme guilt and severe emotional self blame. It ripped my heart to pieces the first 3 years. It will be 5 years in June, and I am so grateful that I am still here and I got through it. Your post is heartfelt. Thank you. <3

  9. Jan Bassier
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    Thank you for this. It’s been almost 16 years since our son took his life. One woman wrote that we need to keep asking why until we don’t need to any more. That we either get an answer, or we’re all right living without an answer. This is a really good answer.
    I am so grateful for the people who have helped me walk through this, especially in those early years. What a support group, especially those “in the same boat”. Who better to be with than someone who feels a similar loss, a similar pain, even a similar guilt? We begin to feel a similar hope, that we will be able to continue, and that the death by suicide of one we love was their choice, one we wish they would not have made, but one we can live with.

  10. Connie Boudreau
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    Thank you so much for this, Brandy. It will be 37 years in August 2017 that my Daddy took his own life. I was 18 years old at the time; I will be 55 years old this June. This special place that you have created ,for those of us who unfortunately share a sad bond, is becoming a healing place for me. I do believe in God and know that He has helped me survive this horrible nightmare that Never goes away, but it’s comforting to know that others are out there and experience the same questions, the same emotions, the same guilt…that I do. Back in 1980, “therapy sessions” didn’t help at all. I ended up going to 3 sessions and then refused to go back. The Gestalt method was popular back then. (I think I spelled that correctly?) It may have worked for some people, but it failed miserably for me. I ended up feeling more angry then I already was, if that’s humanly possible. Here, where you have created a safe place to share and receive , I am Finally beginning to understand some things that have haunted & puzzled me for the last 36 years. Thank you for that. I will continue to visit here.

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