I’ve gone two years now and there’s always the feeling of grief and anger. Recently though, the feeling of being unnecessary is big. When I think about my daddy’s last moments (which is often and not just on this day) I think, why couldn’t I have been enough for him to stay alive, and then I think maybe he didn’t think of me in that moment…both of these thoughts are depressing because either he thought of me and I wasn’t enough or he didn’t think of me…which means I simply wasn’t.
Today, a realization came to me when I was silently feeling sorry for myself, it’s not about me being unnecessary. It was my dad’s feeling of being unnecessary to everyone else. He was unnecessary in a marriage that saw trouble throughout 21 years and didn’t last. He was unnecessary in the two relationships later. And that last relationship was so unhealthy that all the drinking and smoking and ugly way he lived became a burden. He had become so bitter and angry the last year of his life that he pushed all his kids away and when it came down to it I’m sure that feeling of being unnecessary was strong.
The last conversation I had with him was brief. It was quick, like most of ours had been in the end. The woman he had been dating put a strong wedge between us and even though we both loved each other very much, it was hard to break into the old goofiness that we used to share. So in that last moment of his, whether he thought of me or not, I’m positive he didn’t feel as if HE were important enough for us.
People. Look around you, love on your families and friends. Let them know they are important. Let them know they are loved. Let them know they are necessary. Even if you lose someone this way, you will know that you tried and that you did all you could for them. I will always wish I had done more for him.