Unnecessary by JD Doty

posted in: Uncategorized | 7

I’ve gone two years now and there’s always the feeling of grief and anger. Recently though, the feeling of being unnecessary is big. When I think about my daddy’s last moments (which is often and not just on this day) I think, why couldn’t I have been enough for him to stay alive, and then I think maybe he didn’t think of me in that moment…both of these thoughts are depressing because either he thought of me and I wasn’t enough or he didn’t think of me…which means I simply wasn’t.

Today, a realization came to me when I was silently feeling sorry for myself, it’s not about me being unnecessary. It was my dad’s feeling of being unnecessary to everyone else. He was unnecessary in a marriage that saw trouble throughout 21 years and didn’t last. He was unnecessary in the two relationships later. And that last relationship was so unhealthy that all the drinking and smoking and ugly way he lived became a burden. He had become so bitter and angry the last year of his life that he pushed all his kids away and when it came down to it I’m sure that feeling of being unnecessary was strong.

The last conversation I had with him was brief. It was quick, like most of ours had been in the end. The woman he had been dating put a strong wedge between us and even though we both loved each other very much, it was hard to break into the old goofiness that we used to share. So in that last moment of his, whether he thought of me or not, I’m positive he didn’t feel as if HE were important enough for us.

People. Look around you, love on your families and friends. Let them know they are important. Let them know they are loved. Let them know they are necessary. Even if you lose someone this way, you will know that you tried and that you did all you could for them. I will always wish I had done more for him.

7 Responses

  1. Carol
    | Reply

    Beautifully stated and I believe you were more than necessary to him. P.s. you were a beautiful bride and he looks so proud.

    • JD Doty
      | Reply

      Thank you, we had many many many good moments in life before his last year. I never went to bed at night thinking he wasn’t proud or thankful of me. He was a wonderful man. And a phenomenal father.

    • JD
      | Reply

      Thank you, we had many many many good moments in life before his last year. I never went to bed at night thinking he wasn’t proud or thankful of me. He was a wonderful man. And a phenomenal father.

  2. Noelle Hartshorn
    | Reply

    I think that the hardest part of dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide is feeling that we failed to do the one thing that might have stopped them…..

    • JD
      | Reply

      It’s the hardest thing. My little brother always blames himself for things and I have to assure him that he would have found a way no matter what.

  3. Dianna Matzo
    | Reply

    Losing a parent by suicide must be excrutiatingly painful. I have felt that I was “not enough”for my sister; I suspect that those feelings are magnified when your dad leaves this way. What you wrote above sounds like correct and healthy thinking. In the end, if they are even thinking coherently or not, I believe that every person who dies by suicide believes the world no longer needs them. It is heart-breaking, and maybe I’m wrong, but it is a conclusion I have come to in the past 18 months. Many blessings to you in your future. ~Dianna

    • JD
      | Reply

      It’s sadly a comforting thought and I’m thankful for your words. So thankful.

Leave a Reply