One Year by Francine Turner

posted in: Uncategorized | 9

March 1st 2016 started off as any other day, until the phone call came at 10:30 am. I can tell you exactly where I was and the impact of the words I was hearing. Never in a million years would I have thought my husband would take his life. My entire world fell apart that day. Almost one year and I still can’t believe it, this entire year has been a blur. I’m living hour by hour, day by day.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I take two steps forward and three back most days. To go to the grocery store alone is sometimes a big ordeal. If there are too many people there I become very anxious and have actually had to leave. Food tastes bad. I eat because I have to but only when I’m hungry or I remember to eat. My memory has changed. Sometimes I don’t think straight and I have zero concentration. I just misplaced my ATM card for three days. I enjoy reading but for me to pick up a book and concentrate on it doesn’t happen. I will read a chapter or two and put the book down for days or weeks. I haven’t been to the gym in a year. I am back to work, after being out for a month.

My husband was my source of strength, he took care of me when I was sick. He took care of a lot of things. I feel like my source of strength is gone. Now I have to pull the strength from myself. Coming up on 1 year I do feel like I have come a long way from that first day. I know there will be hard days but I have to say: as time goes on, there are more good days than bad. Every day is a gift. To me his suicide put a lot of things in perspective. Some of the little things that used to bother me or upset me before no longer do. I now say, “if that’s the only thing that happens to me today it’s a good day.”

My husband Tom left two letters so I have had some clarity of why suicide was the answer for him. I wish I could have stopped his decision or saw something that would have alerted me as to what his plans were. That bothers me every single day even though he said in his letter I would not have been able to stop him and there was nothing I could have done differently. Almost 1 year and it still hurts every day. I miss him every single day. I read a quote from Carla Fine she says, “Gradually I came to understand that while it may be possible to help someone  whose fear is death there are no guarantees for a person whose fear is life.” I know my husband was afraid to live. Almost one year but I have to believe that he is no longer in pain and in a better place.

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9 Responses

  1. Dianna Matzo
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you are a member of the community who have lost loved ones to suicide, because no one wants to be in it. But we can help each other. I will take that Carla Fine quote with me today. It will be two years this summer that I lost my sister, and part of me still struggles to accept the truth that I couldn’t have saved her. She didn’t want to be saved. Blessings, Dianna

  2. Julie Harris
    | Reply

    Thanks for sharing. I will take the quote with me as well. It struck a personal cord with me. So sorry for your loss. Time is the great healer although those really bad days still have a way of crashing down on you. Hugs!

  3. Gloria
    | Reply

    I will also use that quote, it is so true. It was 9 years since my sister ended her life (Dec. 27th) I remember how I didn’t think I could survive it. She was like my own child as I was 12 when she was born, and I took care of her. With time it does get “easier”, but you never forget or stop missing them❣ I also wondered if I could have stopped her, but over time I realized that I could not stop her. Take care of yourself and rely on people who understand your feelings, as this group does. HUGS to you❣❣

  4. Lisa
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    I’m coming up on my one year also and I appreciate and thank you for putting your heart here for others to read and see. I have also gone through all the things that happened in the days leading up to my husband’s suicide and stop myself before I go into the “what if I had said…”, “what if that didn’t happen”., what if…what if. There’s no peace there so I have learned to redirect my thoughts to something good. Thank you and many hugs and prayers for you.

  5. Eileen
    | Reply

    Thank you so much…..

  6. Ann
    | Reply

    Thank you for your insight. I am almost 9 months into this hell. I don’t see many good days. My 18 year old decided to end his life June 24, 2016. I don’t know how to accept it and move on. How to not feel guilty that I didn’t see it and couldn’t stop him. Thank you for opening up your heart to us.

  7. Linda
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    My husband also died of suicide. It’s been over four years. The first two were beyond difficult, and I didn’t know who I was. The good news is that after time, one’s perspective changes and energy returns and the familiar is comfortable again. For now, acknowledge where you are and love yourself. Your scars will heal. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this mysterious passage, yet there is a life beyond which you can’t even imagine now. And it will be joyful. Just hold on.

  8. Pam
    | Reply

    I just lost my son to suicide , on February 4 th, I never saw it coming . We were so close , he lived behind me and I saw him daily .This is the most difficult thing to go through and to know now he was suffering and I didn’t know the pain he was suffering .With support from others and the quote from above , it does help .im living day by day . Thank u Pam

  9. Victoria
    | Reply

    My husband died by suicide a year ago too (4/5/16). Reading your post helped me feel less alone. I suffer from the same things as you, anxiety, lack of concentration, zero memory, living day by day with no real purpose.

    Thank you for sharing, your post help me tonight.

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