March 1st 2016 started off as any other day, until the phone call came at 10:30 am. I can tell you exactly where I was and the impact of the words I was hearing. Never in a million years would I have thought my husband would take his life. My entire world fell apart that day. Almost one year and I still can’t believe it, this entire year has been a blur. I’m living hour by hour, day by day.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I take two steps forward and three back most days. To go to the grocery store alone is sometimes a big ordeal. If there are too many people there I become very anxious and have actually had to leave. Food tastes bad. I eat because I have to but only when I’m hungry or I remember to eat. My memory has changed. Sometimes I don’t think straight and I have zero concentration. I just misplaced my ATM card for three days. I enjoy reading but for me to pick up a book and concentrate on it doesn’t happen. I will read a chapter or two and put the book down for days or weeks. I haven’t been to the gym in a year. I am back to work, after being out for a month.
My husband was my source of strength, he took care of me when I was sick. He took care of a lot of things. I feel like my source of strength is gone. Now I have to pull the strength from myself. Coming up on 1 year I do feel like I have come a long way from that first day. I know there will be hard days but I have to say: as time goes on, there are more good days than bad. Every day is a gift. To me his suicide put a lot of things in perspective. Some of the little things that used to bother me or upset me before no longer do. I now say, “if that’s the only thing that happens to me today it’s a good day.”
My husband Tom left two letters so I have had some clarity of why suicide was the answer for him. I wish I could have stopped his decision or saw something that would have alerted me as to what his plans were. That bothers me every single day even though he said in his letter I would not have been able to stop him and there was nothing I could have done differently. Almost 1 year and it still hurts every day. I miss him every single day. I read a quote from Carla Fine she says, “Gradually I came to understand that while it may be possible to help someone whose fear is death there are no guarantees for a person whose fear is life.” I know my husband was afraid to live. Almost one year but I have to believe that he is no longer in pain and in a better place.