Not sure how to start – everything is rushing to my mind at once. My story is no different than yours; though it is unique in every way. So this is it….
I put my son, David (he was 33 – never flown), on an airplane in mid-August 2013. He was moving to NC to live with his sister and her family; wanting to start over after his separation from his family. March 5th 2014, he went for a walk. March 11th, he was found and I received that dreadful phone call. March 22nd we had a memorial service back home. Honestly, I do not remember much of the entire month of March. Everything is still blurry – foggy. I do know that my entire family (I have 2 sons and 2 daughters) are forever altered with the loss of David (my youngest son).
He was not just my son, he was my rock, my companion, my friend, my light! I moved through the days talking to him. I told him that I was so mad – screamed it at the top of my lungs! I wanted him to know I was pissed, ripped apart, and empty! That I love him so much. I was sorry that I did not do more. I wanted my son back!!!
People came around less and less. Maybe they got tired of seeing me cry or not talking. Maybe they just felt uncomfortable around me – I do not know. I just know that one day I looked around and no one was here. That scared me – for I live alone and then I was completely alone!
A moment at a time, I re-entered “life” going through the routine that I had done before though I would never be that person again. I did not smile, laugh, and barely ate. Just went through the motions of each day like a robot. I went to a couple of grief support groups. Sweet people though they did not understand the loss of a loved one to suicide. All of the questions that a survivor has, thoughts, and wonders of “why?”. So I founded “Smile Through The Storms” support group in New York for the ones left behind due to suicide. We had the first group support in December 2014.
I have a closeness with other survivors – a bond. Though we do not have the answer to the question of “why?”, we understand one another’s feelings and thoughts. We know that we are not going through this hell alone. We provide a sense of comfort to one another. We come together to share memories of our loved ones, to cry, to comfort one another – this is an all healing time that is so needed.
I miss David each and every day! Talk to him? Yes, all of the time. He is always in my heart and thoughts. I will always grieve the loss of him – this will never end. I have forgiven him for his actions. I brought him into this world and loved him each and every day he was physically here. I will love him always!