I’ve been taught some very harsh lessons in the last two years. I am definitely not the same person I was when it all started. First and foremost, life is short. It can change in an instant, yet, we all worry about silly insignificant things. Love can’t save everyone because if it could I know my boyfriend would still be here. Jesus, life is short. Forgive your enemies–even as they raise their hands to strike you, instead of shielding yourself, hug them. No one heals their self by wounding another. ALWAYS remember that.
I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like before but I had no idea until that hot day in August of 2015. As long as I live I will never forget the moment I learned my boyfriend was gone. Sometimes things go terribly awry and they can’t be put back together the way they were before, no matter how much you want it. I see things so differently now. I have a whole new family of people with whom we share a terrible connection, yet I can’t see my life without these people. They were my lifeline for a while, and some days they still are. I thank God for bringing them to me. I have learned so much about a disease and a cause that was rarely even part of my vocabulary before. I wish I knew nothing about suicide. I’ve learned a lot about God and even had a screaming match or two with him this year. I have learned that there’s a lot of cruelty and unfairness in this life but there is nothing we can do to stop that. As of the day of writing this, it has been 683 days since I’ve heard his voice, been kissed by him, received a random text, or saw his face. He is still my first thought most mornings, my last thought when I lay down, and what pops into my head when I wake at 2 am for no reason. There were all these small things that seemed so insignificant that, looking back, I see were all the big significant things. They are what I miss. Mostly, I hate that our goodbye was never said, however, I am still connected with him-wherever he is. I know how lucky I am. There are people who spend their whole life looking for what I had with him, and I am grateful for every second we shared. There were so many things happening that I couldn’t see at the time.
I’ve changed. A lot. I’m a completely different person. I still look the same, but I’m not. In some ways, I’m harder, more cynical. But I am also softer, more tolerant, more understanding and forgiving. I believe it’s a good thing. Everything has changed and yet, I’m more than I’ve ever been. There have been moments I didn’t think I’d make it, there were times I didn’t want to make it, days I couldn’t even get out of bed, and then there were those small glimmers of moments where I started seeing how strong I really am. I am a survivor, not a victim. So many people have said I’m such a strong person. It’s a title I wish I didn’t have, but I refuse to sink. I never saw any other choice. I know there will still be days that sneak up on me and kick me in the stomach. Those days I will have to remind myself, take a shower, wash off the day. It will be ok. The need for constant clarity is gone. Things will make sense in time. Until then, I embrace the uncertainty. I live for today. It’s all about starting small. I’ll do what I can and add to that. There will be days I fail miserably, and I know that’s ok. I was created to make someone’s life better and now I know how I have my purpose. I don’t care how long it takes me, but I’m headed somewhere big, somewhere beautiful.