Somewhere Beautiful by Brook Sanders

posted in: Uncategorized | 17
I’ve been taught some very harsh lessons in the last two years. I am definitely not the same person I was when it all started. First and foremost, life is short. It can change in an instant, yet, we all worry about silly insignificant things. Love can’t save everyone because if it could I know my boyfriend would still be here. Jesus, life is short. Forgive your enemies–even as they raise their hands to strike you, instead of shielding yourself, hug them. No one heals their self by wounding another. ALWAYS remember that. 

 

I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like before but I had no idea until that hot day in August of 2015. As long as I live I will never forget the moment I learned my boyfriend was gone. Sometimes things go terribly awry and they can’t be put back together the way they were before, no matter how much you want it. I see things so differently now. I have a whole new family of people with whom we share a terrible connection, yet I can’t see my life without these people. They were my lifeline for a while, and some days they still are. I thank God for bringing them to me. I have learned so much about a disease and a cause that was rarely even part of my vocabulary before. I wish I knew nothing about suicide. I’ve learned a lot about God and even had a screaming match or two with him this year. I have learned that there’s a lot of cruelty and unfairness in this life but there is nothing we can do to stop that. As of the day of writing this, it has been 683 days since I’ve heard his voice, been kissed by him, received a random text, or saw his face. He is still my first thought most mornings, my last thought when I lay down, and what pops into my head when I wake at 2 am for no reason. There were all these small things that seemed so insignificant that, looking back, I see were all the big significant things. They are what I miss. Mostly, I hate that our goodbye was never said, however, I am still connected with him-wherever he is. I know how lucky I am. There are people who spend their whole life looking for what I had with him, and I am grateful for every second we shared. There were so many things happening that I couldn’t see at the time. 

 

I’ve changed. A lot. I’m a completely different person. I still look the same, but I’m not. In some ways, I’m harder, more cynical. But I am also softer, more tolerant, more understanding and forgiving. I believe it’s a good thing. Everything has changed and yet, I’m more than I’ve ever been. There have been moments I didn’t think I’d make it, there were times I didn’t want to make it, days I couldn’t even get out of bed, and then there were those small glimmers of moments where I started seeing how strong I really am. I am a survivor, not a victim. So many people have said I’m such a strong person. It’s a title I wish I didn’t have, but I refuse to sink. I never saw any other choice. I know there will still be days that sneak up on me and kick me in the stomach. Those days I will have to remind myself, take a shower, wash off the day. It will be ok. The need for constant clarity is gone. Things will make sense in time. Until then, I embrace the uncertainty. I live for today. It’s all about starting small. I’ll do what I can and add to that. There will be days I fail miserably, and I know that’s ok. I was created to make someone’s life better and now I know how I have my purpose. I don’t care how long it takes me, but I’m headed somewhere big, somewhere beautiful.

 

17 Responses

  1. Kelly
    | Reply

    Beautifully written Brook

  2. Ngahuia
    | Reply

    Thank You Brooke … You have and are an inspiration… LOVE THIS STORY… Thanks for Sharing ❤💛💚

  3. Bob
    | Reply

    Brook , this is beautifully written . You are here for a greater purpose.

  4. Joanne Gardner Cresswell
    | Reply

    Beautiful writing Brooke – I wish you love and light in your life. Thanks for sharing your feelings, it helps to hear other people’s stories.

  5. Donna M.
    | Reply

    This is beautiful and so well said. I lost my husband to suicide 3 years ago. It was the most awful day of my life. But, like you, I’ve been told I am the strongest person known to my family and friends. Like you said, I had no other choice. We were married for almost 42 years and had known him since we were 14 years old. I am thankful for the days we had together and he will be forever in my heart.

  6. Lynne
    | Reply

    Wow! Beautifully well said! I will share with my survivor groups. Thank you!

  7. Dianna
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I hope there are many blessings ahead for you.

  8. Stella
    | Reply

    Beautifully written, Brook. Thank you.

  9. Jan Bassier
    | Reply

    “The need for constant clarity is gone. Things will make sense in time. Until then, I embrace the uncertainty. ”
    That is beautiful – and yes, as the years go past, we find that we are able to make others’ lives better, to offer hope and encouragement and help – and we can live better with the unanswered questions. It’s a journey, and you are well on your way ~
    Thank you for sharing.
    (It’s been 16 years since our 18 year old son took his life. I still miss him and wish he had chosen otherwise – however, I am grateful for the growth I have experienced since that day ~)

  10. Wendy Sefcik
    | Reply

    Thank you for this. It was so beautifully said. I lost my 16-year-old son T.J. to suicide. Your words touched my heart. Sending you love, friendship and T.J. hugs

  11. Candy Hershey
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your broken but mending , beautiful heart with us all Brook. You are definitely giving the “gift of second”!

    Gratefully,
    Candy

  12. Tracy Kruse
    | Reply

    Beautiful story

  13. Julie Harris
    | Reply

    Beautifully written Brook. Thanks for sharing your journey. Hugs to you!
    Julie

  14. Yolanda DUGAN
    | Reply

    Your story resonated with me and to all those who have experienced suicide of their loved one. You are so right about how it changes you forever and we will never be the same person we were before. I am sorry you are going through a journey you wished you didn’t have to be going through. May God bless you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  15. Debbie
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful words.

  16. Brook Sanders
    | Reply

    Thank you all for your wonderfully kind comments ❤️ All of my love to every one of you.

  17. Jenny
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing with me. My friend committed suicide our senior year. I think of her often and wish that somehow I could go back and help her more. I wish my parents or the adults in my life would have taught me more about depression and gave more tools on how to appropriately respond to her cries for help. We were so young and had zero perspective on life beyond high school. At every milestone of my life I have thought of her and how her life would have been. She had many wonderful qualities. RIP Macy…we will always love you!!

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