It is human nature to be curious. “Why?” is the most commonly asked question among any age group. When someone dies by suicide, people automatically want to know why. There has to be a reason. Who did what to them? Someone had to have pissed them off. Thus starts the blame game. It’s the spouse’s fault, it’s the mother’s fault, it’s the child’s fault. It has to be someone’s fault. Everyone NEEDS someone to blame for their loved one’s death. Oftentimes, the family bands together and the spouse or partner, as the outsider, is the source of blame. I have seen it all. I have experienced it all. I have been on the receiving end of it all.
My boyfriend died by suicide. I was blamed for his death, even though I had nothing to do with it. I was not the last one to be with him, nor was I the last one to talk to him. We were on good terms. We had a great day the last day he was alive! Somehow when the family started talking and couldn’t find a single reason for blame (surely not the alcoholism, not the mental illness, not the plethora of reasons it might have actually been), I was clearly the obvious choice of the blame. It stung at first. It downright hurt. These people, just a few weeks prior, hugged me at the cemetery and told me to call if I needed anything at all because they were “so worried about me.” Now, I am suddenly shunned and I truly have no idea why. No one even had the courtesy to tell me why or what they think it is that I did. I can’t even defend myself.
I know immediately that I have two choices. I can let it drive me mad. I can let it consume me and every last bit of my daily life. Or, I can let it go. Do these people’s opinions of me really matter? How does their hate for me stop me in my tracks? The answer, friends, is that it cannot unless I allow it to. They have zero power over me. It has taken me some time to realize that they are grieving and hurting just as much as I am. Actually, more than I am because they refuse to heal. At the end of the day, if blaming me helps them sleep better at night, then so be it. I can take it. I made the decision to block them from social media, from my cell phone, from my life. I removed them from my life just as though I had never met them. I removed myself from my boyfriend’s memorial Facebook page. It hurt like hell to do so, but my life is so much easier now. If I don’t see the negativity, it can’t bring me down. You see, I forgive them. I hold no ill will against them. I have found peace in my heart. I know you can too, friends.