What would you say now? by Sabina Zunguze

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What would you say now? A letter to my Angel who blessed us with her beautiful heart.

When you are told the pain will never go away – that is no lie. It is now 6 long months since you left this earth but there is no day that I wake up without thinking that I am just living a dream. There are many times that I have picked up the phone or waited to hear your bubbly voice telling me what new adventure you are involved with at school. I look at my phone expecting a text full of funny emojis of you telling me how much you have accomplished beyond all the school and other work you have to do. Boy, I miss you so much… miss our little silly conversations together, how we love Christmas and Thanksgiving and what a silly holiday Halloween is. Whom am I going to laugh with now that you are gone? This was not a life I dreamt of having. The worst is the hollow empty feeling in my gut that won’t go away. I often wonder whether you are feeling the same, too, wherever you are now. The worst is the constant reminder that I get anywhere and everywhere I look which reminds me of you, my sweet angel.

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I see is the picture with your smile on my phone. I cannot take your voice off of my voicemail because as much as it hurts, I feel that that is my little way of keeping you with me.  I wake up and the next thing I see are the clothes and shoes that occupy most my whole wardrobe that we bought together. I remember the shopping escapades we had together, trying the maximum number of outfits we were allowed in the changing rooms. Now I think, whom am I going to shop with? Whom am I going to laugh with? Should I throw away everything to ease the pain of remembering you through all my clothes? Everything in my life from the pen I use, the food I eat, the music I listen to, the next girl I see on the street, has your face and body all over them. I miss you baby girl, I can hear you say, “Ah ma, you are so funny” when I share my good-old-days story, or “Ah ma, it’s OK” when I’m feeling weary.  You could ease the pain of others with all your being but we did not know what pain you were going through within yourself. What would you be saying now?

You showed so much love to everyone around you but you never asked for help.  Everyone talks about your selfless deeds and how you were so ready to serve, but you never asked for help for all the hurt that we now know you endured.  What would you say now? I love you and everyone loves you. So, I would like to say to you on behalf of all of us, I want to thank you for what you showed and taught us in your little time on earth. May all those who are now with you keep you safe and at peace.

“Mazvita mwanangu nezvikomborero zvawakatipa”. Thank you, my angel, for what you were here to teach us.

7 Responses

  1. Dianna
    | Reply

    Beautiful loving words from a beautiful loving mom. I got chills just reading this. Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry for your loss and pain. <3

    • Sabina
      | Reply

      Thank you Dianna.

  2. Susan
    | Reply

    I also lost a daughter. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I could have been living your life. I wish I would have understood her pain and made her feel better as did to others. We were fortunate to have such beautiful daughters even if it was for a short time.

  3. Kelley
    | Reply

    Your letter and beautiful picture say so much. I have so many of the same thoughts, processes with the loss of my sister. The clothes, the pictures, the memories attached to every one of those things and now the pain they also bring. She too was selfless, never asked for help, my brother always told her she was “our angel on earth”. Your beautiful letter is comforting because it reminds me that I am not alone in my daily agony and suffering with my unimaginable loss and you are not alone either. Thank you.

  4. Becky
    | Reply

    Oh my gosh, this is my story. I too lost my precious daughter almost 6 months ago (3/31/17) she was just 16 and she was just as you describe your beautiful daughter. Cheerful, selfless, my shopping buddy. We used to get our nails done together. Every single thing reminds me of her. Everyone loved her and misses her so much. My husband and I cannot believe this is our life now. I miss her every single minute of every single day. Your story touched me, it was as if you were telling the story of me and my sweet Abbey. Bless you and thank you. I will be sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

    • Sabina
      | Reply

      Thank you Becky. I also comfort myself in thinking that she was here for a reason and we should be celebrating her life – better said than done. So sorry for you loss.

  5. Judy
    | Reply

    Just lost my daughter; same words, same life … it’s so hard .. thank-you for expressing feelings I cannot fathom to express .. thank-you Becky

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