30 Years Ago by Zoe

posted in: Uncategorized | 14

30 years ago you left us, you left me. I don’t remember the sound of your voice, I don’t know what your eyes looked like or how tall you were, I don’t know what your favourite song was or which football team you supported. So many moments, opportunities and memories were stolen from me.

And I’ve been lucky, I have the most amazing woman in the world who has been mum and dad and so much more to me every day of my life. And then a wonderful man stepped up and took me on, even though I was grown up, even though I was flawed, even though I didn’t know how to have a dad. He helps to fill a space in my heart that was empty for so long and shows me in all his own ways how a dad cares for a daughter. But that empty space in my heart remains and the years without you keep increasing. So even though I know I’m lucky to be as loved as I am, sometimes I’m also just a little sad.

You weren’t perfect, you’d made mistakes, but you were mine. The saddest thing in the world is to have no memories of your dad because he chose to die.

14 Responses

  1. Dianna
    | Reply

    So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      Thank you for reading and for commenting, Zoë xx

  2. Diane Serra
    | Reply

    I’m so very sorry. My father died when I was little as well. Your thoughts are so similar to mine except that my dad did not chose to leave. I don’t think you ever get over that empty space that they leave. Your story breaks my heart as well because 4 years ago my son did decide to leave us and left a 10 year old daughter wondering why. Thank you for sharing. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      Thank you for reading and for commenting. It’s a pain I’ve lived with my whole life, I don’t remember what it was like to live without being affected by suicide, but here I am 30 years later and somehow I’m surviving and I am happy despite that empty place in my heart. I think that is what I would want to say to anyone who loses someone but particularly a child who loses a parent, I can’t pretend that you can ever get over it but I think I’m living proof that you can learn to live through it. There aren’t enough words to say that I’m sorry to hear you lost your son so I’ll just send some hugs instead xx

  3. Lynne
    | Reply

    Thank you for sharing, Zoe. I love the picture. I lost my mom almost 20 years ago when she chose to leave. I understand the empty place in the heart feeling. Peace and love to you.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      Thank you Lynne. This was taken less than a year before he died, I was only 5 so I have very few memories of him, it all feels very raw sometimes. Thank you for reading and commenting, sending peace and love to you too xx

  4. Robin
    | Reply

    Thank you Zoe for sharing. It’s been 36 years without my dad. The pain doesn’t seem to ever go away entirely but it keeps me awake to loving my children more.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      When you’ve lived with pain for so much of your life you learn to focus it and loving your children is the best use of energy you can find. Thank you for reading and commenting xx

  5. Mindy
    | Reply

    I lost my mother 30 years ago and really relate. I was 4, and can’t remember her voice, or much anything about her alive. Thanks for sharing.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      Thank you for reading and for commenting. Sometimes I feel I become obsessed with the maths of it all, when the number of the years they’ve been gone far outweighs the number of years they were here it seems to hurt even more. 2017 marked 30 years since my dads death and also what should have been his 60th birthday. From now he’ll always have been dead for longer than he was alive, I will always be older than he ever was, I will always be baffled that time goes so fast. Xx

  6. Laura Harreld
    | Reply

    It all sounds good, until your read the “But”.
    I continue to grieve the loss of my 32 year old son. My two grand daughters and I will always have this in common. Not because they remember their daddy, but because of the hole that he left behind.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      You share not just the hole but the love you had with and for him. After my dad died his family wanted nothing to do with us, my mum remarried and her husband did not like her to talk about her life before. That’s the point at which my dad really died, the point where his name was no longer mentioned and his picture no longer displayed. Keep talking to your granddaughters about your son, don’t try to hide your pain or your tears, let them share the loss with you and let them grow always feeling that they know their father. Thank you so much for reading and commenting xx

  7. John Filiczkowski
    | Reply

    I feel the loss while I lost my mother early at two years old although I believe she did not choose to die there is a believe a relief from the anguishes in life with a loss the are experiencing too, hopefully not a regretful one, and I hope their life shortened as it was can be carried out in the positive steps you can take as if your loved one was still guiding you.

    • Zoe
      | Reply

      I understand he was suffering a pain that he felt he could not live with anymore, as an educated adult I fully realise and accept that, but there will always be a 5 year old girl inside me who believes he left her because she did something wrong. Thank you for reading and for commenting xx

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