Relief by Brook Sanders

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I was never prepared for it to be six years post loss. With each year it has gotten easier. In fact, I rarely think of him now. Of course, there are always small things that sneak up out of nowhere. My mind and body know the anniversary of his passing is creeping up without looking at a calendar. I can literally feel it in my bones in the weeks leading up to August 14.

Let’s talk about relief. No, I am not relieved he’s gone. Not that kind of relief. I am relieved to not live that dysfunctional lifestyle any more. I do not miss his drinking, the fighting, the cheating. I will never miss my wandering mind at every little incident, dreaming up every worse case scenario possible. I know others feel the same. Those who have taken their lives were mentally ill, and rarely lived a healthy lifestyle. Everyone close to them, myself included, suffered with them in one way or another. Many survivors are co dependent people. We actually thrived off of the dysfunction, possibly without even knowing it at the time. If that is you, I hope you’ve healed your mind. 
There isn’t much more to say that I haven’t said previously. I wish he weren’t gone. I wish he’d have reached out. I wish he’d have trusted someone enough to help him.
 #RIPTommy 11/1/78 – 8/14/15

3 Responses

  1. Sarah
    | Reply

    Thank you Brook for sharing .. I survived my own attempt and my heart breaks for my family and what I put them through.. thank u so much for putting this out there . I need to see how I can contribute to prevention … anyway thanks again so sorry for your loss

    • Brook Sanders
      | Reply

      Thank you for your kind words. And, I am glad you are still here ❤️

  2. Shawn Christopher
    | Reply

    Thank you both for your posts. Yes, Sarah I am happy you are here to help everyone too.
    My brother’s suicide was many years ago and what comes back to me in my grief is the guilt and shame. I had forgotten how relieved I was of the stress from years of worry caused by my brother’s alcoholism and methamphetamine addiction.
    I get stuck on how my intervention expedited his choice and forget his decision to actively self-destruct.
    No more car accidents, no more elder abuse (our parents), no more diabetic comas, no more pawn slips, no more constant fear for what’s next. What a refreshing shift in focus.
    Thank you.

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