I was never prepared for it to be six years post loss. With each year it has gotten easier. In fact, I rarely think of him now. Of course, there are always small things that sneak up out of nowhere. My mind and body know the anniversary of his passing is creeping up without looking at a calendar. I can literally feel it in my bones in the weeks leading up to August 14.
Let’s talk about relief. No, I am not relieved he’s gone. Not that kind of relief. I am relieved to not live that dysfunctional lifestyle any more. I do not miss his drinking, the fighting, the cheating. I will never miss my wandering mind at every little incident, dreaming up every worse case scenario possible. I know others feel the same. Those who have taken their lives were mentally ill, and rarely lived a healthy lifestyle. Everyone close to them, myself included, suffered with them in one way or another. Many survivors are co dependent people. We actually thrived off of the dysfunction, possibly without even knowing it at the time. If that is you, I hope you’ve healed your mind.
There isn’t much more to say that I haven’t said previously. I wish he weren’t gone. I wish he’d have reached out. I wish he’d have trusted someone enough to help him.
#RIPTommy 11/1/78 – 8/14/15